Footballers are Idiots

The Chelsea Edition

CASE #1: Ashley Cole: Idiot Casanova



More from the UK saga soaked in idiotic footballer behavior. Ashley Cole, after openly admitting to the missus that he committed adultery is now suing the tabloids for defamation. Wait a minute… if he admitted to doing something idiotic, then how can he in turn sue someone for simply pointing out the obvious. Mr. Cole is asking for £200,000 from The Sun for publishing the story outing his unsavory extramarital behavior. I swear to god, if he gets any money out of this shenanigan we’re calling a litigation battle, I’m completely giving up on humanity.

Link: Ashley Cole Somehow Getting Even Easier to Dislike

CASE #2: Shevchenko’s Masculinity in Question



Andriy Shevchenko has been spotted with a new accessory hanging outside his pants. And in this case, it’s not what you would normally expect from a footballer. (As in the case above.) Rather, while on the links, Mr. Shevchenko’s thong was peeking out of the top of his pants during a recent golf game. We all know his love for Giorgio Armani undies, but this has gone too far.



Link: Chafe-chenko Wears a Thong

Case #3: Tal Ben Haim: Benchwarmer Etiquette Connoisseur



After being frustrated with not having consistent first team appearances, Ben Haim voiced his opinion on signing with Chelsea over the summer and what he’s been having to deal with since Mourinho left.

"Jose Mourinho is the reason I came to Chelsea and if I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach then I would have signed for another club.”

Well played, Tal. Enjoy warming the bench and playing for the reserves for the rest of the season before being sold off over the summer. How do you say, out on your ass, in Israeli?


Link: Mourinho Exit Frustrates Ben Haim
Link: Tal Fined £80,000

Elen Rives v. Nereida Gallardo

The girls over at Kickette and I have decided that there are some eerie similarities between these WAGs. Not only are they both Spanish, but they also share the over plucked eyebrow look, the not-so-classy smoking habit, and the need to hold onto their footballer boyfriends for dear life. The resemblances between the two are uncanny.

While both have snagged offensive midfielders in good form, these ladies have taken on the task of settling their wild footballers down. Elen moved Frank out to Surrey to keep him away from the party scene in London, and even though Cristiano already lives in the Manchester suburbs, his call girl habit has got to be toned down if he wants to commit to more than just solicitation charges.

Seeing that Elen was spotted with a lip bruise a couple weeks ago and then this weekend trotting around London in her trackies with her face covered up to her nose, I suspect there’s been some botox usage. May I possibly suggest that it’s in defiant reaction to the introduction of the younger, unimproved version of herself who is now roaming the streets of Manchester. Oh I think so.

Ferosh Items of the Week

Coleen Mcloughlin’s Blue and Yellow Louboutin’s


Utterly gorgeous. Notice, no toe cleavage.

The 2008 BMW X6


I’m sure this is on every footballers wanted list. No matter if they are looking into buying a new 4x4 or if they are looking to upgrade that dingy BMW X5 from last year, these will be seen with footballers at the helm. I give it maybe a month before they’re spotted about town.

Price Range: £41,965 - £44,145 (Mere pocket change, right?)




Link: BMW: Experience the X6

Link: Forbes: Hottest SUVs of 2008

New WAG Introduction: Amy Macdonald

Amy Macdonald, the Scottish singer, has been reportedly dating Steve Lovell, an English striker who plays for Aberdeen. The irony of it all is that Macdonald has an aptly titled song, “Footballer’s Wife,” on her new album that goes about bashing the obsession of women to hook a footballer to gain celebrity:

But still the footballer's wife tells her troubles and strife
I just don't care in the end
Who is she to pretend
That she's one of them?
I don't think so
And the girl from that show
Yes the one we all know
She thinks she's some kinda star
Yes you know who you are
I don't think so, I don't think so

But she defends her songwriting by making a Cheryl Cole-esque excuse about having her career and Lovell having his. Yadda yadda yadda…

"It is a song about obsession with celebrity and people being famous for no reason and being talentless and getting there simply for who they are with," Amy told the Daily Record. "It's totally not the case with me and has nothing to do with Steve's occupation. I like to think I got where I am because of the amount of hard work I've put in."

"I don't feel bad for writing that song because I believe everything in it," she added. "Just because I might be going out with someone who plays football doesn't mean I've turned into a celebrity-crazed famehungry woman. I'm definitely not a WAG."

Unfortunately love, you have to live with the title, just like the rest of them.



Link: Pop Star Amy MacDonald Falls For SPL Star

Fashion Faux Pas: Toe Cleavage

There is nothing I find more repulsive than feet. But then again, that may just be my personal opinion. WAGs, on the other hand, feel as if theirs need to be on display, more specifically, their toes whilst protruding from tightly worn heels. I realize that gravity does not always cooperate with us and that while walking our feet get scrunched into the base of our shoes. But there is a name for this when it happens and gravity has nothing to do with it: TOE CLEAVAGE. This isn’t like the more acceptable breast cleavage, where in more cases than not, it is encouraged. Toe cleavage is unacceptable in my opinion. And it makes the foot look fat and the shoes look dreadful. Yes, it can even render a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutin’s unsightly.

This behavior has to be stopped.

But we shall listen to a master and take his opinion and jot it to down in our fashion bibles to be referenced when purchasing a shoe that shoes more cleavage than the bikini issue of Sports Illustrated.

“The secret of toe cleavage, a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe... You must only show the first two cracks.” ~ Manolo Blahnik



NOTE: All above pictorial evidence are from actual WAG appearences.

Divorce Files: Ashley and Cheryl Cole

Has Cheryl Cole finally stepped up to the plate and sent her man walking?



Ashley Cole was seen at a petrol station sans wedding ring, whilst on a lonely drive in his overly priced motor vehicle. And Cheryl Cole can be seen sporting a necklace reading “Available” in will.i.am’s newly released music video for his hit single “Heartbreaker,” where Cheryl starred as a street dancer for the Passions of Girl’s Aloud TV show.

What is going on in the Cole household? Did he take it off because it was affecting his shifting while speeding on English country roads? Or are all the rumors false about Ashley and Cheryl rekindling their romance and getting remarried this summer while the England boys have a not-so-well-deserved summer off?

Either way. It will be news. And after the settlement that the former Mrs. Henry received after Thierry committed adultery, I’m sure Cheryl is looking to be getting a hefty sum of that £5million transfer fee that Ashley cashed in on between Arsenal and Chelsea.

Link: Has Cheryl Tweedy/Cole Finally Seen Sense?

Champions League Quarterfinals Results

Liverpool 4 – 2 Arsenal (AGG 5-3)

Starting all tied at one a piece, the game was set up to be a thriller. And is sure lived up to those expectations.

Scorers: Liverpool - Hyypia (30’), Torres (69’), Gerrard (pen 85’), Babel (90’); Arsenal - Diaby (13’), Adebayor (84’)

Chelsea 2 – 0 Fenerbahçe (AGG 3-2)

After losing 2-1 in the first leg, Chelsea were looking to be wilting in the limelight, but a decent home performance gave them the go-ahead to meet up with Liverpool…again, in the semifinals.

Scorers: Ballack (4’), Lampard (87’)

Barcelona 1 – 0 Schalke (AGG 2-0)

With Barcelona already ahead with an away goal from the first leg, it was practically a no-brainer that they would be heading to the semi-finals.

Scorer: Toure (43’)

Manchester United 1 – 0 Roma (AGG 3-0)

With Rooney and Ronaldo relegated to the bench, United fans were left concerned with Fergie’s team selection. But Hargreaves’ performance made him look like he should be lining up at the start for United more often than not. In the end, and not surprisingly, United edged out a win to face Barcelona in the semifinals.

Scorer: Tevez (70’)

SEMIFINALS FIXTURES:
Tuesday April 22: Liverpool v Chelsea
Wednesday April 23: Barcelona v United
Tuesday April 29: United v Barcelona
Wednesday April 30: Chelsea v Liverpool

Ferosh Item of the Day: David Beckham's Golden iPod

In celebrating the introduction of the new hot word, I am honoring it today with the perfect item to be described by such a spectacular adjective...



David Beckham received this snazzy item when enduring his 100th cap for England. I think there should have been a stipulation that England had to WIN the game for him to reap the benefits. But whatevs. (If you ask me, a 32G is a bit of a cop out on the FA's behalf. I guess they didn't want to splurg on an 80G for Goldenballs.)

[Mental Visualization Practice: After reading the headline of the Telegraph article, I had this strange visual of David Beckham prancing around the locker room in Paris, waving his golden iPod above his head, and singing in his bizarrely high-pitched voice “I’ve got a golden iPod!” to the toon of “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket” from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie. Can you see it, or is it just something that my peculiar mind has created for itself?]

Link: David Beckham Century Gift - A Golden iPod

Coleen Must Have Been Feeling a Bit Insecure This Morning

Maybe Wayne forgot to say Happy Birthday before he left for training this morning, or perhaps she wanted to let the land know to bring presents, flowers, and sparkly things.



Link: Is Coleen Trying to Tell Wayne Something?

Chelsea Transfer Rumor of the Day

We all know that every other day there’s a new player coming to Stamford Bridge once summer arrives. I really hope this character gets a haircut by then.



(Can you imagine the heyday the boys would have with this do? Apparently they busted on Joe Cole in training the other day just for getting a buzz cut.)

Link: Chelsea Set Their Sights on Boca Hitman Palacio

Hump Day Celebration

Jamie Redknapp and Frank Lampard on Holiday



A little double entendre to get you through the work week.

UEFA Champions League Round Up: Day 1

Roma 0 – Manchester United 2



With goals from Ronaldo (39’) and Rooney (66’) Manchester united come away with a comfortable aggregate lead over Roma.

Schalke 0 – Barcelona 1



Bojan Krkić, at 17 years of age, becomes the second youngest player to score in the Champions League. (The youngest player to score being Peter Ofori-Quaye, of Ghana, who scored for Olympiacos in 1997 at 17 years and 195 days, beating Krkić by just 21 days. Krkić knocks Cesc Fabregas to third by only a single day.) The Barcelona youngster scored from close range when Thierry Henry squared the ball to him after Henry’s first shot was saved by Schalke’s goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer.

With both teams scoring crucial away goals, it's looking likely to be Manchester United against Barcelona in the semi-finals.

Footballers Are Idiots

Southampton Players Resort to Stealing



Bradley Wright-Phillips, half brother of Shaun Wright-Phillips, and Nathan Dyer were arrested for stealing from waitress’ bags in a nightclub staff room. Although released on bail, the two lads have been found guilty of being total and utter idiots. I’m sure BWP has had a pay cut with his move from Manchester City to Southampton, but I don’t think he is so poor that he needs to resort to stealing (not with a dad like Ian Wright and a half brother like SWP). I mean seriously. Money, fags, and mobile phones were the stolen items, and I’m pretty sure footballers, or any human being for that matter, can get a hold of these items without thieving.

Link: Southampton Pair Arrested After Alleged Theft

Ferosh is the New Fierce

I’ve been recently informed that the word “ferosh,” as in the abbreviation of ferocious, is replacing “fierce” as the new hot word. Fierce will now return to its original definition: marked by extreme and violent energy. Let me explain.

David Beckham at LA Lakers Game = Ferosh (hot, attractive, well put together)



Jens Lehmann Attacking the Paps = Fierce (violent behavior)

Footballers Are Idiots

…when it comes to driving their cars.

CASE #1: John Terry Gives Two Fingered Salute to the Disabled



John Terry deemed it unecessary to act like a normal human being by illegally parking his Bentley in a disabled spot outside a Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey for two hours while he enjoyed dinner with his wife, Toni, and their twins, Georgie and Summer. While photo evidence was collected by practically everyone in the metropolitan area, Terry received a mere £60 fine, pocket change for a footballer earning more than £130,000 a week. What makes Terry even more idiotic is that a 50p-an-hour car park was just a few yards away.

So lets run through what went on in the mind of Mr. Terry:

Should I (a) park in a car park with those simpletons, have to walk a few yards to eat, and risk having my overpriced motor vehicle getting scratched by some ordinary citizen or (b) park in a disabled spot feet from the door, so I don’t have to over exert myself, even though I’m a world class footballer who is more physically fit than any disabled person, have my gorgeous car in an area free from harm, but susceptible to the paps, and get a £60 fine while I will earn 2250 times as much by this time next week…hhhhmmmm…

Link: John Terry Gives Middle Finger to the Disabled

Case #2: Matthew Pattison Gets Arrested for Drink-Driving…in Only His Underpants


Matty Pattison, nicknamed Party, by his fellow teammates at Norwich City, was arrested Sunday morning for drink-driving. The story goes that Pattison was out a nightclub late Saturday after the 2-0 defeat of Sheffield United. Upon waking up Sunday morning, he hopped in his car, still drunk, in just a t-shirt and skivvies, believing he as late for training. But there was no training on Sunday for the Canaries at their Colney training grounds, much to Pattison’s efforts. About halfway through his journey, the police spotted him driving erratically, possibly due to his lack of footwear, and followed the 21-year-old South African, eventually pulling him over just outside the training grounds. Reports that he has checked into a rehab facility have yet to be confirmed.

Link: City Star on Drink-Drive Charge

Ashley Apologizes For Horror Tackle

Ashley Cole publicly apologized to Alan Hutton for his high tackle in the Spurs-Chelsea game on Wednesday. Hutton himself admitted that he would have done the same thing in that particular situation, while Arsene Wenger, Cole’s former manager, stated that Cole “is not a dirty player.” Although he escaped with only a yellow card, Cole took the high road and apologized. Avram Grant, Cole’s current manager at Chelsea, spoke today in praise of Cole’s mature actions in apologizing for the incident.

Link: Wenger Defends Cole
Link: Mature Cole Supported by Grant

Oldies, But Goodies, Return for International Duty

David Beckham has earned a recall to the England national team for their international friendly against France on Wednesday. With the Big Four all playing on Sunday, some extra legs may be useful. And he’s always good for morale. I’m interested to hear how he and Capello get on…

Link: Recalled Becks Backed by Capello


Harry Kewell has been given the captains band for the Socceroos prior to their international friendly on Saturday against Singapore. Even while his first team play is in doubt with his club, Liverpool, he decided to head down under to help out his international squad with their preparations for World Cup Qualifiers next week. What a good lad.

Link: Kewell Handed Socceroos Captain’s Armband

Footballers are Idiots...

…and apparently some of their girlfriends are too. Chanelle was “shocked” to find out that her new love, Seb Hines of Middlesbrough, is living with his currently expecting girlfriend, Katie Abram, and their two-year-old daughter, Tamia. Chanelle claims she was unaware of Hines current marital status, and Hines claimed to Abram that he only took Chanelle to the cinema when they were briefly separated. I’m going to say that all parties here are acting like idiots.
Note: Need to start company for WAG wannabes who wish to know if their newly acquired status is indeed theirs and theirs alone. Shall name my research company/detective agency: I NEED TO KNOW IF THE FOOTBALLER I'M HOOKING UP WITH IS ACTUALLY SINGLE, BUT I CAN'T READ A NEWSPAPER AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE WIKIPEDIA OR GOOGLE. (Think it's too long?)

LINK: Chanelle's WAG hopes shattered as footballer love interest is having a baby with girlfriend


Danny Simpson please stop making out in the street. It’s just bad taste. Whether you’re a multi-million dollar footballer or just some chav on the street excessive PDA is improper behavior. And seeing that it’s with the stereotypical god-awful soap star, I denounce you purely for lack of creativity.

LINK: Roxanne Pallet Gets Her Man U


I don’t understand why Xabi Alonso is getting all this slack for wanting to be there on the birth of his first child. What’s the big deal? I guess this is more like why the media and Rafa is making such a big deal out of what seems like common logic to most human beings. (And let me assure you that I had the same thought before Liverpool beat Inter Milan to join the other three English clubs in the UEFA Champions League quarterfinals.) I mean he’s Spanish, so family probably means a lot to him. I can totally understand why he didn’t want to go to Italy while his wife sat at home suffering through labor pains. Lastly, I doubt it will be affecting his selection for the Liverpool. Rafa would have to be an utter idiot to believe he can leave out a player like Xabi with the current situation he’s in anyway.

LINK: That’s Yer Tot, Alonso


Didier, seriously? I pray to god that you’re buying all these kits to send down to Africa to family and friends or some type of charitable donation. If you are that concerned with your numbers on the list of kit sales, we have an issue, or rather you do. Stop acting like an idiot and taking offense to the taunting of the lads about being #3 in kit sales to Lampsy and JT. They are English lads so it just makes sense. Who gives a flying rats ass about kit sales anyway. Just put some balls in the net and you will be loved by one and all. Including me.

LINK: Drogba Buys Hundreds of His Own Replica Shirts


I saved this for last because I thought the remembrance of Chelsea's sorry performance this weekend may bring me to tears… again. But I will hold myself together just long enough to call Avram Grant a fucking idiot. If you’re two top scorers, who, may I add, have had extensive time off for more serious injures, pick up small, niggling knocks and ask to play, you better fucking play them. Frank Lampard has scored six goals between the cup competitions alone this season and he has also scored in each of the last two games. If he wants to play, you better put him on the pitch. Didier Drogba, although slightly off target recently, has a superb cup competition record and was the only scorer for the Blues in the Carling Cup Final loss to the Spurs. These are two key attacking components to your lineup. And they should have played, straight up. The lineup was good, but it could have been better. Let’s not kid ourselves.

His incompetence becomes more apparent to me everyday.

LINK: Avram Grant Admits Neck is on the Block After FA Cup Humiliation

I feel better now that all of that's off my chest.